Please help! I need opinions! :D Please?

Do you like my short story? What do you think of the title? What do you think of the story overall? thanks :D


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PLAYGROUND (title)


Peter sat on the concrete slab, as usual, at the edge of the playground. His face was hot and damp from his tears. He was alone, but that’s the way he liked it. Besides, he thought, who would want to be my friend? The boy who never had clean clothes, or washed hair? Who would want to be near snotty, snively Peter? He knew the other children were afraid to go near him. Their parents had told them they weren’t to touch him, or even sit near him for fear of nits. Peter had no parents. He sniffed. How he hated those children! He hated their polished shoes, their carefully prepared lunch boxes. Why should they have such perfect lives? Peter stared at his feet, his eyes welling with tears.


Then he heard a voice.

Please help! I need opinions! :D Please?
This is the whole thing?


It's good so far, but you really need to develop it more. It seems rather abrupt.





I would say, still end it with "Peter Magoyle had a friend" because this seems like you wanted that as the last line particularly. But put a little something else in there to indicated WHY she was his friend... it seems unrealistic to just have her staring at him and then they're friends. You make it sound like she's strong, but then have her being picked on, it seems a little incongruous. Also, why is he crying if he likes to be alone?
Reply:Not bad. You’re a very good writer and although the story did not have much content I was drawn into his world. Only criticism I'll make is about the title. It doesn't fit with the story. It should be something that explains the mood of the story.


Otherwise great writing…A*
Reply:I love ur STORY, It is so inmaginitive and it has good words, U should become a author!
Reply:I think the title needs to change. The story sounds dramatic so you need a creative, dramatic title to go with it.
Reply:I like the story but the title needs to get changed. It's too dull.
Reply:Okay you got me sittin on the edge of my seat! What happens next!
Reply:i feel like it should be longer. i dont know..its just a little to... cut off. i mean. i dont know. just a smile doesnt equal friendship. maybe have her walk over and be like "is this swing taken?" and start swinging. and the title could be more symbolic to the story. but otherwise i LOVE it. bravo and encore.



Loose Teeth