Wednesday, March 17, 2010

I wanted to know what you think of this? what do you like about? don't like about it?what feeling did youfeel?

I opened the door to my dad’s SUV and stepped out. We arrived at the Cornerstone church in San Francisco. I wore a black suit and black, polished shoes to go along with it.





My dad held out a welcoming hand, intimating me to grab it: “Come on; let’s go”





We walked across the parking lot towards the entrance of the church. The gigantic door of the entrance towered over me and my dad. He pushed it open. Melancholy filled the air inside the church. The room was dimly bright like the ocean floor on a moon lite night. I stared forward at a sign that read, “Norma Sanchez: 1971-2005”. Rivulets of tears streamed down my face. Norma Sanchez was my mom. She was the one who made me laugh, cry, or smile. Losing my mom felt as if I’d lost a piece of my heart. I looked at the people who were sitting in the rows of pews. The one thing I noticed about everyone was that sadness had painted the canvases of their faces; tears stained cheeks and scarlet eyes. We found our seats and sat down. I looked around once more. I felt as if I was deaf because silence filled the church as family and friends lamented my mom’s death. Immediately, the priest started the services after everyone had found their seats.





The priest cleared his throat and spoke these words, “Friends and family of Norma Sanchez we are gathered here today to say our farewell goodbyes to a mom, friend, sister, and beloved daughter”





The priest continued to talk about my mom’s life. This didn’t feel right. I felt like I was in a sorrowful nightmare that I could mot wake up from. It felt as If a cloud, gloomy and filled with dejection, hovered over me and wouldn’t leave. I would never get to see my loving mom ever again. Her comforting hug, calming voice, and sweet smell had evanesced. Tears raced down my face. I cried as my dad cradled me in his arms. We entered the car. My dad started it and we drove away. I looked up at the clouds. They wept tears of sorrow.

I wanted to know what you think of this? what do you like about? don't like about it?what feeling did youfeel?
A beautiful, sad, emotive tribute. Is this true? If so, my deepest condolences on such a powerful loss.





Suggestions:


Break the larger paragraphs into smaller paragraphs.





Remove the semi-colon after faces - semi colons should only be used to separate independent clauses. Use a dash instead.





Replace 'it' with 'engine':


Dad started the engine and we drove away.





Remove the second 'felt':


It felt like I was in a sorrowful nightmare that I could mot wake up from, as If a cloud, gloomy and filled with dejection, hovered over me and wouldn’t leave.








Feedback:


You used intimating correctly - but because it is a homophone some people will read it incorrectly thinking it means:


intimate: as in close


instead of in-ti-mAte: as in hint / imply





I like the word evanesced - you used it context and it is an elegant fit.





I like the feelings and the description - dimly bright like the ocean floor on a moon lit night.





Too, I like how you touch upon the priest's eulogy but do not


cover it in length, it leave much to the imagination - as though we're there hearing it, but not.
Reply:I LOVE THAT YOU MADE ME FEEL AS IF I WAS THERE
Reply:A bit over the top, but pretty good. There were a few words in it not used correctly -- "intimating" and "evanesced" (not even a word). Correct those and this should be fine -- depending upon the usage of course.





EDIT: Knowing I was referred to in another answer, let me point out the phrase "intimating me to grab it" is incorrect. Try replacing "intimating" with "implying" and writing the sentence "implying me to grab it". Still doesn't make sense. The word you need is INVITING.



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