Sunday, March 14, 2010

Opinions??

I need your overall opinion on my short story: which title should i use? (friends?, the power of a smile, or something else? And your overall opinion? Thanks :Dxx


.........................................


Peter sat on the concrete slab, as usual, at the edge of the playground. His face was hot and damp from his tears. He was alone, but that’s the way he liked it. Besides, he thought, who would want to be my friend? The boy who never had clean clothes, or washed hair? Who would want to be near snotty, snively Peter? He knew the other children were afraid to go near him. Their parents had told them they weren’t to touch him, or even sit near him for fear of nits. Peter had no parents. He sniffed. How he hated those children! He hated their polished shoes, their carefully prepared lunch boxes. Why should they have such perfect lives? Peter stared at his feet, his eyes welling with tears.

Opinions??
Robyn,





This is actually pretty good. There are a few things that need to be changed, but overall I would say you're on the right track here.





Try this:





As usual, Peter sat on the concrete slab at the edge of the playground. His face was hot and damp from his tears. He was alone, but that’s the way he liked it. Besides, , who would want to be my friend? He thought. He was the boy who never had clean clothes or washed his hair. Who would want to be near snotty, snively Peter?





He knew the other children were afraid to go near him. Their parents told them they weren’t to touch him or even sit near him for fear of lice. Peter had no parents. He sniffed. How he hated those children! He hated their polished shoes, their carefully prepared lunch boxes. Why should they have such perfect lives? He stared at his feet, his eyes welling with tears.





Then he heard a voice. A voice so strong and bold, so different from his own. He wiped his nose on his sleeve and looked up. There was a girl, who he recognised as Mary; a girl in his class.





"Give me back my doll Lucy! She doesn’t like you!" How Peter loved her voice.





"What will you do, cry? You can have your smelly doll." Lucy and her gang walked off, laughing harshly. Mary stood alone, red in the face from anger, her doll dangling in her hand as she watched the girls depart. She hated that she was different.





She felt Peter’s eyes staring at her back. She turned to face him and gave him a friendly smile. They understood each other. They carried on, just looking at one another, feeling the others emotions, their lives, and how they were both fighting for recognition to their peers. There was something about him that she liked.





Peter Magoyle had a friend.





Okay, check carefully what I've done with your story. Note the changes in punctuation, dialogue quotes (" double not ' single), and how I made two sentences into one.





Example: What are you going to do? Cry? A simple comma after do and lower case (cry) then ? did the trick. Try not to use the word (had) too much. It tends to change tenses to harshly.





I also changed Nits into Lice. Nits are the larva of Lice. You have to have Lice first.





I kind of like where this story is going. It makes the reader wonder what exactly is wrong with Peter, other than he has no parents. Who takes care of him? Well, this is where the author makes the reader keep on reading..... To Find Out!!





Nicely done.
Reply:i liked your story a lot! the only thing i would change (and I'm being annoyingly picky here) is when you say " walked off laughing harshly. Mary stood alone, red in the face from her anger, her doll dangling in her hand watching the girls walk off" you repeat "walked off" making it a little repetitive. but overall i enjoyed your story.
Reply:the narrative it's quite good.





I would smooth out the part of: "How he hated those children! He hated their..."


It's just a bit creepy. Make it sound like this: "Peter never loved the other children. In reality, he hated their perfect ....."





I'm not sure about how to title it. i don't like "the power of a smile" because it's lengthy.





Maybe:


-the crooked boy who nobody likes


-the proper friend


-the sick boy, the pretty girl, and the nasty mob





i just realized I'm not so great with titles, so see what others put





again, nice writting
Reply:"The Power of Friendship" maybe...



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