Honest opinions please =D???

I have written this short story and i need your overall opinion and your opinion on the title? Thanks! xx


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Peter sat on the concrete slab, as usual, at the edge of the playground. His face was hot and damp from his tears. He was alone, but that’s the way he liked it. Besides, he thought, who would want to be my friend? The boy who never had clean clothes, or washed hair? Who would want to be near snotty, snively Peter? He knew the other children were afraid to go near him. Their parents had told them they weren’t to touch him, or even sit near him for fear of nits. Peter had no parents. He sniffed. How he hated those children! He hated their polished shoes, their carefully prepared lunch boxes. Why should they have such perfect lives? Peter stared at his feet, his eyes welling with tears.


Then he heard a voice. A voice so strong and bold, so different from his own.

Honest opinions please =D???
Honestly, and I really do mean this honestly, it could still use a lot of work, but it is nice idea that I think you should continue.





The first thing that really stuck out to me was that these are Peter's thoughts, but they sound so much older.


"He was alone, but that’s the way he liked it. Besides, he thought, who would want to be my friend?"


Little kids, and I'm assuming that Peter is a little kid, don't think like that. I'm not saying that he should be stupid, but no kid wants to be alone.





Second, why was Peter crying in the first place? Because he had no friends? It's not feasible that the boy would wander into a playground, sit down, and cry at the realization that he didn't have anyone to play with.





"The boy who never had clean clothes, or washed hair? Who would want to be near snotty, snively Peter? He knew the other children were afraid to go near him. Their parents had told them they weren’t to touch him, or even sit near him for fear of nits. Peter had no parents. He sniffed. How he hated those children!"


This entire segment tells the readers about his background. But in a short story that is only a couple hundred words long, we don't have time to read that, and it's not very visually appealing. Right now, it's hitting you over the head that Peter is a lonely boy. If you incorporated the same ideas into a scene, it would work much better. Maybe you could start off with Peter being rejected by the other kids when he asked to play tag with them. That could be why he's crying and it already lets us readers know that the others don't like him.





So Peter has no parents. I think what you wanted to get from that is more sympathy from the readers for own little protaganist. We already pity him enough, and it brings up questions about who takes care of him.





Last thing, I swear! The scene where Mary and Peter have that moment... it's a really sweet idea, but, again, they're just kids. It's difficult to imagine two seven-year olds share knowing glances and quiet "Mona Lisa smiles."





Please don't think that I hate this or anything. This is a good story idea and I really do think that you should continue it. One of the best ways to work with your own writing is to let it sit for a few days and then look at it again. It helps the words settle and you can think clearer. Best of luck and happy writing.
Reply:It could use a lot of work, but I think you start it out rather well.



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